NIGHT THOUGHTS OF AN INSOMNIAC

I thought I would outgrow the times when I couldn't close my eyes but I was totally wrong.

The lights went out at exactly 10pm and my eyes were still wide opened. "Amelia" I called out to my roommate but there wasn't any response except her soft snores that filled the room. I wouldn't call myself claustrophobic but I have always been anxious in tight places and crowded spaces then there's also the situation of me always wanting to avoid physical contact; "How would you be intimate with your partner? " Zuriel asked me one day as I recounted my fears and ordeals. The question didn't sit well with me but I hadn't considered that aspect of my life, how do I achieve intimacy if I terribly hate physical contact? I turned on my bed as all these thoughts ran through my head, 'Do I seem too much?' 'Am I being extreme? ' 'Or do I have stupid fears?' I looked at the moon through my window as my eyes were still widely awake, it seemed carefree; despite reflecting the Sun's light it was still beautiful and bright in it's own way.  'Let's be like the moon' I said to me before the sleep finally washed over me.

A different day and a different me, sike! I lied. Amelia's words floated around the room despite her being asleep, they were inaudible but I picked out my name and Zuriel's. "Amelia " I called out to her just to assure myself that I wasn't alone in this darkness because the darkness creeped me out as a child and even now that I have come to love it because it brought sleep along with it, it still makes me feel uneasy. My train of thoughts went "choo choo" at this point and started it's journey. 

I had talked to my partner the other day and he went like "Babe, we've known each other 10 years and counting. Do you think achieving intimacy without love for physical touch is your problem?" He was quite inconclusive and my mind was definitely running wild tonight, I couldn't decipher what he meant. What could possibly go wrong? Nothing I guess. I turned on my bed and reached out for my phone. The phone screen lit up as I pressed the power button; 3:49 am, the time was a subtle reminder that I couldn't get any sleep again because work was just an hour away. "Amelia, wake up. We have to get to work" my voice didn't sound like mine; the lack of sleep was definitely kicking in.

'No sleep for the wicked' that was tonight's opening line. Work had been hectic throughout the week and I was definitely grateful for the weekend, didn't change the fact that I had serious trouble sleeping😪. I was determined to make tonight's thoughts count instead of letting my mind roam around. My brain blamed today's sleepless episode on the clacking sound Amelia made with her keyboard; she definitely had a deadline to meet. "Ami, are you sleeping early tonight?" I asked her with my face turned to the ceiling. "I'll catch some 💤 by 11:30 pm" her hands drifted in every direction over her keyboard as she answered. "Okay" I turned to face the window because there's definitely no sleep for the wicked.  By 11:30pm exactly, the sound of Amelia's laptop being slammed shut, jolted me out of my sleep. Whao!  It's a miracle, I slept for 30 minutes; the longest time I had slept in 4 weeks. Amelia adjusted her duvet before turning to face me "You could always reach out for my sleeping pills when it doesn't come"  "Thanks Ami, the pills hardly work these days. Go to bed and don't bother about me" my voice was quiet. She took one last look at me before mumbling a sorry and going to bed. Tears flowed out on their own; I was beginning to be a burden to my friends and the people that loved me.

A date night and sleepover! I was too excited for someone who didn't get any sleep last night. Micheal had called the day before telling me to prepare for a date and a sleepover at his place the next day. He knew I had insomnia and he said he didn't care about it. "Babes I'm outside your house" his voice was so smooth over the phone. "I'll be down in 10". It was around 8:20pm already and I was beyond ecstatic. Then the fear started kicking in as I descended the staircase leading to Ami and I's room. 'I guess he wants to break up' I thought as I saw his bright smile aimed at me. 'He's just trying to let me down slowly and carefully' my mind was already drifting before I even laid down to sleep. "Hey" my voice was quiet as usual. "Hey, love" his bright smile didn't waver. "Are you ready for today? I planned an indoor date for us so you don't get stressed" he opened the car door for me and I sat at the passenger's seat. "I know you're thinking if I would let you down because your insomnia is getting worse" his voice was quiet as he entered the car. "Is that it?" My faithless self was about to give up on a 10 year relationship.  "Why would you even think that? If you aren't able to sleep tonight then we'll find a way to kill the time" he held my hands in his. "Insomnia or not I wouldn't trade you for the world" his smile melted my heart at that point in time. 

They all love me, despite the crushing situation I found myself in and I wouldn't trade their love for anything. My mind might roam around again tonight but one thing is constant; I am surrounded by the people that want everything good for me. That is my latest and the most beautiful night thought for me😍.